Good evening my fellow Americans, it is with great pride and humility that I stand on this stage for the first Republican Presidential Debate of 2016. I am honored to share my plan on how I will bring this country back to all its glory and to the true intentions of our founding fathers. We have come to a critical point in our country’s history. America has the opportunity to chose the path that will lead it to inevitable doom or everlasting prosperity. American right now stands like a perplexed young adolescent who is faced with the task of picking one last prepubescent warrior that will lead their kickball team to the spoils of the playground. I stand here tonight to tell you that I am that prepubescent warrior. I have studied my opponents like an agitated employee studies the clock the last hour of their shift. And just like a hurried and nonobservant person who rushes into the wrong bathroom, I have found that it pays to double check the signs that each of my opponents displays. For example, on first glance Marco Rubio may appear to be a well poised and intelligent politician but if you look deeper you’ll see he’s more like a reluctant ring bearer who was forced by his mother to be in his aunt’s wedding.
And then there’s Ted Cruz. He may claim to be a wholesome Christian conservative, but I am dubious about some of his convictions. Voting for Ted Cruz is like eating at a sketchy restaurant for the first time. You hope in good faith that they thoroughly wash their dishes but there’s a good to fair chance that your fork just got a good spit shine the night before.
And who can forget Ben Carson? Carson is heralded as a paradigm for the rare and ever decreasing group that is black republicans. But to them I say, “Carson is not your hero!” If anything, he is like a superhero who takes to much melatonin and shows up late and disoriented to the crime scene.
Last but certainly least, we have Donald Trump. There are so many things I can say about this man but I will only say one out of fear that I will raise his ego like a pimple raises the night before the big dance. Voting for Donald Trump is like picking the biggest and tallest kid for kickball only to find out that their oversized stature only stifles their mobility. Sometimes the bigger they are, the harder they fall.