Opening Statement Presidential Debate: Analogy

Good evening my fellow Americans, it is with great pride and humility that I stand on this stage for the first Republican Presidential Debate of 2016. I am honored to share my plan on how I will bring this country back to all its glory and to the true intentions of our founding fathers. We have come to a critical point in our country’s history. America has the opportunity to chose the path that will lead it to inevitable doom or everlasting prosperity. American right now stands like a perplexed young adolescent who is faced with the task of picking one last prepubescent warrior that will lead their kickball team to the spoils of the playground. I stand here tonight to tell you that I am that prepubescent warrior. I have studied my opponents like an agitated employee studies the clock the last hour of their shift. And just like a hurried and nonobservant person who rushes into the wrong bathroom, I have found that it pays to double check the signs that each of my opponents displays. For example, on first glance Marco Rubio may appear to be a well poised and intelligent politician but if you look deeper you’ll see he’s more like a reluctant ring bearer who was forced by his mother to be in his aunt’s wedding.

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And then there’s Ted Cruz. He may claim to be a wholesome Christian conservative, but I am dubious about some of his convictions. Voting for Ted Cruz is like eating at a sketchy restaurant for the first time. You hope in good faith that they thoroughly wash their dishes but there’s a good to fair chance that your fork just got a good spit shine the night before.

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And who can forget Ben Carson? Carson is heralded as a paradigm for the rare and ever decreasing group that is black republicans. But to them I say, “Carson is not your hero!” If anything, he is like a superhero who takes to much melatonin and shows up late and disoriented to the crime scene.

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Last but certainly least, we have Donald Trump. There are so many things I can say about this man but I will only say one out of fear that I will raise his ego like a pimple raises the night before the big dance. Voting for Donald Trump is like picking the biggest and tallest kid for kickball only to find out that their oversized stature only stifles their mobility. Sometimes the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

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Cockney:Opening Remarks

Wotcha ladies and gentlemen. lets be ‘onest none of us wanna be ‘ere today, but i’m ‘ere ter tell ya why ya should vote for me for president. Overlookin’ the bloody fact that i’m not even from this country, I fin’ I would expand your forgiven politics…if ya kna wot I mean. I’d fix your idea of ‘ealthcare and be able ter sound more ridiculous than sum of the bloomin’ ovver candidates ter procure the present and last bit of public attention for the part. And none of ya ‘ave ter worry abaht me takin’ a vacation ter scarper off to go golfin’. I ‘ate ter waste tax payer dough for people ter watch me put a ball through a ball thro’ a bloody window. And mates, I promise not ter be difficult ter understand in any of me policy decisions exceptin’ in me accent. ‘eaven and ‘ell that’s abaht aw that i’ve got floatin’ ’round up ‘ere ter talk abaht. so go out a’ vote for me, unless there’s a line, lookin’ at ya ‘rizona!

 

Thank ya and goodnight!

Official Letter: Opening Remarks

800 S Main St, Harrisonburg, VA 22807

2/5/2016

To Whom It May Concern,

We are gathered here today to celebrate what is most important here, me. In this presidential debate I have proven over and over again that I will look out for the people. If the people are me, and I am the people. We have rallied support from all over this great nation to back my bid for the scapegoat position of these United State’s government. Our campaign has raised millions of dollars, because we all know that whoever raises the most funds has the best chance at the seat of least power and most criticism…I’m looking at you Fox News.

This brings me to my next point on why you should vote for me, Official Letter, as your next president. The media loves me. I am to the point in my diction that the everyday American has no clue how to decipher what I am saying, which leaves the media the role of translator so they can continue warping my message in perpetuity. Not only does the media love me for my incomprehensible bureaucratic red tape language, but some of my largest supporters own the news outlets to give me the most publicity. Yes, yes thank you for your applause.

I promise, when I get elected that I, Official Letter will be as formal and short as possible when writing public policy that affects every single one of you. I will follow every rule, even if that means having to rewrite the constitution every few years, as it was created to be. Never will I let you be able to skim over my speeches, executive orders, laws, or bills to basically understand your rights as a human living in America. No, I promise to try and sneak past human rights violating laws and limitations in incomprehensible technical jargon and structure.

Thank you America. Thank each and everyone of you, but most importantly,

Thank me,

Official Letter

2016 Presidential Candidate

Running on the The Most Ridiculous Presidential Candidate Ever

Seriously How Am I Still Allowed On TV Ticket

College Graduate From The Local Online Scam University 1987

 

 

 

 

Where Did I Put That Remote…

Well folks, here we are at the end of February and we are merely days, inches, a single page turn in our planners from Spring Break. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been plowing ahead at full speed for coming up on eight weeks now, living a coffee-drenched existence in some corner of Carrier and wondering what it feels like not to have to prop your eyelids open with your actual fingers. You’ve written papers, peer reviewed essays, maybe even gagged your way through the dreaded group project. You’re losing steam. You need a break. But you have five whole days of class left. You can’t breathe. You’re spiraling. Oh my God WHAT IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT?

Pause.

That’s right, hear me out – Pause.

Given the opportunity to dream up my own holiday, I’m throwing up a white flag and calling for Pause Day. You can use it whenever you want. Maybe you’ve gone three straight weeks without a day off work and you can’t fathom the idea of putting on real pants. Take a Pause Day. Maybe the Great Unknown waving at you from the other side of graduation has you in serious need of good old hug from Mom. Gas up the car and take a Pause Day. Got a paper, two tests, and a project due all on the same day? Sorry Teach, it’s Pause Day. You get one a year, and you can use it whenever you want. A government-protected “Get Out of Jail Free” card, so to speak. National Pause Day.

Maybe you aren’t even stressing. Maybe you’ve got your life under control, you’ve got a good rhythm down, and you’re the sort of person who gets up and makes yourself a pancake breakfast every morning. Then you might just want to use your Pause Day to shake things up. Put your routine on hold and go for a hike. Ride a rollercoaster. Drive all the way to the beach and get yourself a drink with a little umbrella in it. You deserve it. You go.

But if you’re feeling like I am, you probably want to take your Pause Day in the form of an adult-sized onesie, a Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box, and a good excuse to start How I Met Your Mother over for the…fourth time? I want a Pause Day full of time to play an instrument that isn’t for class, or read a book no one is going to quiz me on. Heck, I would just use it to catch up on my homework.

That’s the best part – you can make of it whatever you want. Celebrate it together. Celebrate it alone. Celebrate it awake, alive, asleep – it’s up to you. Use it to take care of your body. Use it to take care of your soul. Take a deep breath and push pause.

Need a real pause in your chaos? In lieu of this holiday actually existing, try out some of these things to bring down your stress level between now and your next day off:

  • Take five minutes to yourself. Put your phone down and sip your coffee really slow.
  • Buy yourself an adult coloring book and some colored pencils! Coloring isn’t just for kids anymore, and it’s a great way to refocus your energy. * Check out the Meditation Room, Tea Time, or one of the many mindfulness workshops offered in Madison Union! There are plenty of ways to relax right here on campus!

I Made This For You!

With Valentines Day come and gone, all the overpriced boxes that never have as many little squares of grossly flavored chocolates as you want and giant teddy bears that honestly have no purpose once the poor girl or guy receives them (but to sit in the corner and be vaguely creepy once the lights are off) are up for grabs. I couldn’t help but think of “Parks and Rec”, a comedy show by Amy Poehler, and her character Leslie Knope’s holiday creation of Galentines Day. Set on the 13th of February, it is a day to celebrate female friendships. Shamelessly taking direct inspiration from her, I present my day for what holiday I would create if I could make one…  Pal-entines Day.

The gender neutral “Pal” allows everyone to celebrate their friends’ male, female, non-binary and everywhere in between. Take your friends out to lunch, dinner, or even better than those two, breakfast: the clearly superior meal. Instead of showering them in overpriced, garishly pink hearts, on Pal-entines Day we gift our friends with homemade delicacies. Cookies from the one friend who always shares food videos on Facebook and never has an excuse to make four dozen of the best iced sugar cookies ever seen. A small painting from the friend who doesn’t own a non-paint splattered shirt and can never quite get the inside of their wrists free from the devil of acrylic paint. Oh, yes my friends, DIY presents are all the rage for Pal-entines Day.

In all seriousness, Pal-entines Day would help the collective ‘us’ remember that friends are just as important as a romantic relationships and can provide validation, comfort, support, and love in ways that aren’t tied up with all the romantic expectations of a relationship. The Pal-entines Day that I envision would be a day when dudes could say “I love you, Bro” without the no-homo attached to the end of it, when girls can acknowledge the way society sets us up to be competitors instead of supporters and make strides to overcome it. This made-up holiday based on a TV show could help us begin to realize our collective human-ness and help us all be better friends at the end of the day.

If I was celebrating Pal-entines Day tomorrow (and I didn’t live in a tiny dorm room) I would host a breakfast for lunch, because come on I love breakfast but everyone loves a day to sleep in. Get out a bunch of board and card games, set out loving crafted Pal-entines Day cards and home cooked meals in little take home containers for everyone to have, and make a day out of it. Of course the day would culminate in the goofiest, best, group photo ever shot and made into copies for everyone to take home to remember this year’s Pal-entines Day. So maybe this week remember to say “I love you, Bro” to the Dudes in your life, remind yourself that you’re not alone on the giant watercolor ball we call Earth, and remember that your first and best friend is yourself. Even if Pal-entines Day might be a little difficult with jobs, school, family obligations and distance; take yourself out to breakfast. I’m serious. Go buy that book, take an entirely too long bubble bath or make that 7-layer dip you’ve been dreaming about and celebrate you and your friends, Pal.

A Day Unplugged

I must admit, when I was given the task of creating my own holiday, I instinctually wanted to create something that would benefit Gabriel Lee. That’s not my ego shining through, I just feel like there are very few holidays that I can really enjoy. Actually, let me rephrase that. There are very few holidays that I can afford to enjoy because quite frankly, I’m broke. Aside from being broke, there are lingering social issues that prevent me from enjoying some of our biggest holidays. I’m too single for Valentine’s day, too sober for St. Patrick’s Day, and too over New Years Eve.

I don’t want to be that guy, but are holidays really what we make them out to be? Is Christmas really Christmas, or is it a barrage of commercials and gift-induced insanity? Are holidays like Martin Luther King. Jr Day and Presidents day seen as a day of reflection for the things these people did, or are they just a day off from work or school? I’m probably being too cynical but I assume there is some validity to the questions I pose.

So if I could create a holiday, it would be something that would attempt to truly bring us together. Not for any celebratory purposes or gift giving, but simply something that would give us a chance to be briefly reminded of ourselves and the people around us. I propose a “A Day Unplugged.” This holiday would involve an effort to sever the ties we have to our devices for 24 hours. Ideally, that means no TV, no phones, no internet, and the million other devices that I can’t keep up with.

I know by now I probably sound like an irritable old luddite, but that’s not the case. I’m just a concerned millennial trying to get us to look up for a while. I say us, because I feel we all have fallen victim to virtual solitude. Even as I type this paper, I have my head buried into my laptop, inadvertently shooing off any human interaction. It’s no one’s fault that sometimes we get like this. It’s just a symptom of our current situation, a situation I feel we are responsible for continuing to improve.

I realize that with the current way our world operates, people would probably have some questions about how A Day Unplugged would be implemented. How am I supposed to do my job? What if I have schoolwork? What if I have to call 911? But that’s the beauty of A Day Unplugged. You would only have to unplug to the level that you are comfortable with. If you are capable of refraining from all of your devices, then go for it. But maybe you just want to give up Snapchat for a day. That’s okay too! I wouldn’t want anyone to feel pressure to display a certain level of commitment to the holiday. I just want to give us the opportunity to have more real moments with people, something that I feel we have been lacking recently. More importantly, I want people to have more real moments with themselves. This could be a chance for Gabriel to rediscover how Gabriel sees and feels about Gabriel. Not how Facebook and Instagram see Gabriel.

Technology isn’t bad. Our phones and devices aren’t bad. We just haven’t really figured out how to use them yet. Of course we know how they work, but have we really figured out the roles our devices play in our daily lives. Sometimes they bring us together and connect us in ways that weren’t possible before. But sometimes they prevent us from connecting with the people and moments in front of us. As we implement more devices in our lives, we increase the chances of becoming disconnected. So whether it’s official or not, pick your own Day Unplugged and remind yourself what it means to be you and share those things with the people around you. It might be hard at first, but you’ll feel rejuvenated when it’s over. That’s the magic of A Day Unplugged.

Bonne Fête!

By Elaina Taylor

If you could create any holiday, what would it be?

I thought for a while about this, toying with various ideas both serious and completely ludicrous. The jokester in me threatened to write about a Chipotle Appreciation Day, or a holiday dedicated to pun-tificating (endless comedic possibilities), a celebration of Corny Compliments, Be Your Favorite Disney Character for a Day, a Pajama Day, an Appreciate Yo’self holiday, and No Disclaimers Day.

My first serious thought, as someone who is profoundly interested in other cultures and diversity, produced the idea of an International Culture Day. It could be a day devoted to celebration of differences by learning about other cultures. People could cultivate respect for other ways of life, even if they couldn’t muster understanding or appreciation.

But tensions seethe in today’s world, and sew fear of immigrants, refugees, and other religions. Rooted as many are in their ethnocentrism, I don’t think people would be able to fully embrace the purpose and spirit of an International Culture Day. Instead, perhaps people can connect and bond with one another over common interests. What brings people together? Food! But also music. So why not an International Music Day?

Music is one of the few things that can transcend all barriers humans place between themselves. What else is so universal? Maybe a smile or a tear, but little else. Culture, ethnicity, race, language, age, gender, nationality, education level, religion, marital status, sexual orientation, income and more all separate us from one another. Melody, harmony, rhythm, and percussion speak to us on levels that transcend all those boundaries because music is a language that every person can understand and feel. Leo Tolstoy said, “Music is the shorthand of emotion.” Emotion is the soul of humanity, therefore music is a fundamental part of what it means to be human.

So why not a day that celebrates all kinds of musicians and genres, and is devoted to listening to varieties and styles of music that you have never encountered before? A day devoted to music festivals and concerts around the world?

It may be too much to ask for people to accept one another on a holiday that celebrates culture. So beginning with music, something that every culture creates, may be the perfect starting point. We may not be able to talk to or understand each other, but we can create music together. Cheesy as that tagline is, I stand by it and believe in the power of an International Music Holiday to make this world a better, more caring place.

“Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.” – Victor Hugo

The Heart and Soul of James Madison University

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