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Opening Statement Presidential Debate: Analogy

Good evening my fellow Americans, it is with great pride and humility that I stand on this stage for the first Republican Presidential Debate of 2016. I am honored to share my plan on how I will bring this country back to all its glory and to the true intentions of our founding fathers. We have come to a critical point in our country’s history. America has the opportunity to chose the path that will lead it to inevitable doom or everlasting prosperity. American right now stands like a perplexed young adolescent who is faced with the task of picking one last prepubescent warrior that will lead their kickball team to the spoils of the playground. I stand here tonight to tell you that I am that prepubescent warrior. I have studied my opponents like an agitated employee studies the clock the last hour of their shift. And just like a hurried and nonobservant person who rushes into the wrong bathroom, I have found that it pays to double check the signs that each of my opponents displays. For example, on first glance Marco Rubio may appear to be a well poised and intelligent politician but if you look deeper you’ll see he’s more like a reluctant ring bearer who was forced by his mother to be in his aunt’s wedding.


And then there’s Ted Cruz. He may claim to be a wholesome Christian conservative, but I am dubious about some of his convictions. Voting for Ted Cruz is like eating at a sketchy restaurant for the first time. You hope in good faith that they thoroughly wash their dishes but there’s a good to fair chance that your fork just got a good spit shine the night before.


And who can forget Ben Carson? Carson is heralded as a paradigm for the rare and ever decreasing group that is black republicans. But to them I say, “Carson is not your hero!” If anything, he is like a superhero who takes to much melatonin and shows up late and disoriented to the crime scene.


Last but certainly least, we have Donald Trump. There are so many things I can say about this man but I will only say one out of fear that I will raise his ego like a pimple raises the night before the big dance. Voting for Donald Trump is like picking the biggest and tallest kid for kickball only to find out that their oversized stature only stifles their mobility. Sometimes the bigger they are, the harder they fall.




Cockney:Opening Remarks

Wotcha ladies and gentlemen. lets be ‘onest none of us wanna be ‘ere today, but i’m ‘ere ter tell ya why ya should vote for me for president. Overlookin’ the bloody fact that i’m not even from this country, I fin’ I would expand your forgiven politics…if ya kna wot I mean. I’d fix your idea of ‘ealthcare and be able ter sound more ridiculous than sum of the bloomin’ ovver candidates ter procure the present and last bit of public attention for the part. And none of ya ‘ave ter worry abaht me takin’ a vacation ter scarper off to go golfin’. I ‘ate ter waste tax payer dough for people ter watch me put a ball through a ball thro’ a bloody window. And mates, I promise not ter be difficult ter understand in any of me policy decisions exceptin’ in me accent. ‘eaven and ‘ell that’s abaht aw that i’ve got floatin’ ’round up ‘ere ter talk abaht. so go out a’ vote for me, unless there’s a line, lookin’ at ya ‘rizona!


Thank ya and goodnight!

Official Letter: Opening Remarks

800 S Main St, Harrisonburg, VA 22807


To Whom It May Concern,

We are gathered here today to celebrate what is most important here, me. In this presidential debate I have proven over and over again that I will look out for the people. If the people are me, and I am the people. We have rallied support from all over this great nation to back my bid for the scapegoat position of these United State’s government. Our campaign has raised millions of dollars, because we all know that whoever raises the most funds has the best chance at the seat of least power and most criticism…I’m looking at you Fox News.

This brings me to my next point on why you should vote for me, Official Letter, as your next president. The media loves me. I am to the point in my diction that the everyday American has no clue how to decipher what I am saying, which leaves the media the role of translator so they can continue warping my message in perpetuity. Not only does the media love me for my incomprehensible bureaucratic red tape language, but some of my largest supporters own the news outlets to give me the most publicity. Yes, yes thank you for your applause.

I promise, when I get elected that I, Official Letter will be as formal and short as possible when writing public policy that affects every single one of you. I will follow every rule, even if that means having to rewrite the constitution every few years, as it was created to be. Never will I let you be able to skim over my speeches, executive orders, laws, or bills to basically understand your rights as a human living in America. No, I promise to try and sneak past human rights violating laws and limitations in incomprehensible technical jargon and structure.

Thank you America. Thank each and everyone of you, but most importantly,

Thank me,

Official Letter

2016 Presidential Candidate

Running on the The Most Ridiculous Presidential Candidate Ever

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College Graduate From The Local Online Scam University 1987